Escape

I escape. Escapism is my best friend. The media of choice changes, but the desired effect and end result is always the same. Sudden change, well if I am being honest… any change to a degree, is difficult for me. The negative effect of change afflicts me at the deepest level of who I am. I imagine it was a childhood trauma, probably around 2 years old that set the stage for this affliction that plagues me more often than not. I should probably dig deep and find it, uproot it and eliminate it from my life, if it were only so easy.  Sigh.

Escaping would not be a problem if I could balance it with life. Balance… yeah about that. That is the goal, to find balance, or maybe the more accurate word is harmony. Whatever label I give it, it is something I have yet to attain. I do not know that I am ever balanced, or have ever been for that matter. Something is always more important, or rather I obsess over one thing more than another. The thing about my obsessions is they take many “healthy” forms. From the outside, one would think (and sometimes I do think), it is a productive and balanced life. However, from the inside, it is anything but. It is an obsession, one-track mind, one consuming thought.  It just so happens that at that moment the “thing” is healthy or productive, when in reality it is just another unhealthy obsession.

Then slowly, and a times subtly, I blend in fear into the obsession. Yeah… fold fear in, just like if you were preparing a delicacy. I guess my life is a delicacy of sorts. My special flavor, my special blend of fear, obsession, and procrastination creates the delicacy of depression. Depression is the fuel for the escapism, or is it the result?  See, if you look closely you will see it is a cycle.  One thing fires up the next, and that triggers the next until we are back at the first thing that fired the whole cycle to begin with. Like all creative people, I am VERY cyclical. I only recently accepted that it is not always a bad thing, however, I do not always see the positive in said discovery.

Change sometimes triggers fear, or obsessive thought(s), which in turn create avoidance, which leads to unhealthy procrastination. I do avoidance really well, much better than I would like to admit. That is where this cycle of escapism started, a fear of… ?  Well, there would be no fun in life if I spelled it out for you, so we will leave it a mystery.  So there it is… I escape. Escapism is my best friend. Escapism enables the avoidance of life, of thoughts, of feelings, of people, places and things. So escape, I shall.


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