Shhh… my Soul is talking, listen.

When I say anxiety, I am not talking about nervousness you feel while you are waiting on an unsure conclusion; I am referencing it in a clinical sense.  I just want those of you who experience anxiety and or depression to know that you have a sister of pain and you can talk to me any time.  For those blessed with balanced brain chemicals and nurturing upbringing that allowed you to develop healthy coping skills, I will elaborate. 

Anxiety is a nervous disorder.  Medically, nervous is described as relating to or affecting the nervous tissue; and disorder, is described as involving a disturbance to the usual function of the body or mind.  One could surmise that anxiety is a disturbance to the usual function of the nervous system, which would make anxiety an issue of the body.  However, societally it is regarded as a disturbance of the mind.  For this conversation, I will make the notion that anxiety is a disturbance of the usual function of both the mind and body, or better put the person as a whole.  I also want to put emphasis on the word, usual.  You will notice I did not use the word normal, but rather usual and that is deliberate.  I like to perceive things to be, usual or unusual versus normal or abnormal.  Mainly, because I can deal better with someone telling me I am unusual, versus being told I am abnormal.

A few months ago I was plagued with crippling anxiety that can only be drawn from the deepest darkest parts of ones fears.  The anxiety at times is debilitating, and other times I can control it enough to function and interact as my public me (<-a version of the real me).  Nevertheless, for the most part anxiety had ruled La Casa de Laura, and I do not mean my physical house.  Where was this crippling anxiety coming from?  In late 2011, due to multiple reasons a fear of failure started growing inside of me, and in mid 2012 due to acts of disloyalty there was a vital part of me that started fearing I was not enough, but I couldn’t admit it to anyone, not even myself. With those two fears threatening, it did not take much for crippling anxiety to engulf me last Fourth of July, when The EX said… “I am divorcing you” and a rebuttal was not permitted.  Anxiety kicked in the doors to La Casa de Laura and made itself at home.  I am fortunate enough to say that I have evicted the crippling anxiety, however am left with hesitation or indecision in its place.

  In my experience, prolonged anxiety brings on (or worsens) bouts of depression, which was exactly what had occurred to me.  My self-therapy for both was watching movies (and TV) non-stop.  One night I saw a commercial about helping people with clinical depression, and it made me think of the stigma that comes with it. I still struggle with the way people perceive behavioral and psychological issues, but I am well on my way to one day saying “F**K it!  I do not care what society thinks about emotional ailments”.  In my world, it is a psychological disorder, or even more accurate (to me) emotional ailment.

 If you find that, you tend to agree or fall in the group of people that stand in judgment or affirm the stigma surrounding mental health, I have a thought/question for you.  The next time you read/hear of someone who has taken their own life, or injured themselves, or let themselves go, due to an emotional ailment, instead of standing in judgment, stop and think, would you react the same way if the cause of their actions were due to cancer or diabetes or other well recognized physical ailments.  Would you look at that person the same if it were a physical issue versus a behavior, emotional or psychological issue?

I think too many people with mental issues suffer in silence because of fear of being perceived as weak if they say, “I’m hurting inside and I need compassion, understanding or support”.  You may not physically see the ailment, disorder, disease, illness or what ever you choose to call it, but the pain is still there and the need for help is still there.  

I leave you with this…  Imagine for a moment that for an uncontrolled reason, everything in your life and within yourself becomes hopeless or helpless, so much, so that it changes your language.  When you try to talk to your family and friends, they do not understand what you are saying.  Then you discover that no one in the world can learn the language you speak.  However, you discover a way to partially translate some of what you are feeling and saying, but they still cannot learn your actual language.  You quickly realize that although you can somewhat translate the feelings, what cannot be communicated is that the loss of your old language it is not a choice, it is not a failure on your part, it is not a way to gain attention and it is not in your control.  How long would it take you to feel frustrated?  How long would it take to feel lost?  How long would it take to feel alone in a room full of people you love and care for? Who also love and care for you, but cannot understand you.

Sister of Pain is a song on Vince Neil’s 1993 solo album Exposed