“I sat by the ocean, and drank a potion, baby to erase you…” The song started all well and good, until I remember why I had removed it from my playlist. My mind took a bullet train back to the moment I realized that I was not having a nightmare, rather I was awake and dismayed by the reality I called my life.

How did I get here, I would ask my self. Where did I go wrong, I asked as I analyze what had transpired, moments, days, weeks and months before. No answers ever came, only tears, barrels full of them, night and day. It was as if when my heart broke into more pieces than I could count, a dam of tears inside of it also broke.  I was lost in a sea of agony and desolation, and for some reason, this time I chose to endure it alone.

Here I am almost a year later from the day Joe said, “I want a divorce”, I know it may seem odd to remember the exact day, but it was the Fourth of July, not easily forgotten. Looking back, I guess one could say he was declaring his independence from our marriage, maybe of me, or what ever his case was.  I had not thought about that crappy day for a while now, I am not sure why I did today, but I did.

Not to far into the song, I was startled by the overwhelming ocean of tears that ensued; it has been almost six months since I broke down like that. It was not a normal, teary eyed moment as I thought back to “what was”. Rather it was an emotional take over by indescribable pain, of which the source itself was not altogether clear. It was a moment when all else became non-existent, all I knew at that moment was just pain, a flood of tears, and an occasional gasping for air.  I was under an emotional siege and had to choose to let it flow or to halt it.

At first, I tried stopping it, what ever “it” really was. I have had a long-standing history of suppressing feelings, especially ones that come on so suddenly, and seemingly inexplicable. As slight anxiety was trying to set in, something inside me said; “Let Go”. My mind quickly probed, let go of what or of who? Abruptly, I had a sense of knowing, I just knew that I needed to let go of everything for the moment, and just feel, just cry, just let the pain present itself and then let go of it, and I did.

The result of this momentary affliction, I have not quite concluded. However, I do know that my tear ducts are clear, and I became aware of tension I am carrying at the base of the back of my head. I suspect, I am about to become aware of what it is that I am holding on to, and must let go of, in order to release the tension. I will have to get back to you on that though, because it is not quite clear just yet. For now, I am letting go of both the experience, and the story by sharing it here with you.

Please leave a comment or send me a message, let me know if you have had a similar moment, of needing to let go of something. Did you discover what you needed to let go of, if so, how did you go about it?

~Laura

I Sat by the Ocean is a song by Queens of the Stone Age from their 2013 …like Clockwork album.